Unequivocally Ambiguous

Humorous Stories on Parenting, Culture and Life

A Theory of Pizza and Italian Population Collapse 

by | Mar 4, 2024 | Masculinity | 0 comments

The Vasectomy Dialogues: It’s a me, mammone!

For millenniums, men have wondered what separates us from animals. The thought experiments are endless.

But I, for one, know that to be human is to put pineapple in your pizza. It separates humans from the savages who don’t recognize Hawaiian pizza as the greatest culinary accomplishment in history.

So, Italians get upset? Who cares? It’s not like Italians invented pizza. They probably stole from the Chinese like they did with noodles.

You didn’t know? It doesn’t surprise me.

Marco Polo came out of the pool after playing a game named after him (Marco Polo) and journeyed through the Silk Road and back and “Kaput! Fini!!” Pasta is Italian. And so is pizza.

Also, don’t worry about Italians. They are struggling with an aging population like all developed countries. Their population collapse is too much for them to deal with to care about pizza in your pineapple.

Part of the problem in Italy can be traced back to the existence of the ‘mamone’ or mama’s boy. But to call it a mama’s boy is an understatement to the type of bordering-on-incestuous relationship Italian mothers have with their boys. They have not only spoiled them, they have SPOILED! them.

Many Italian men expect their wives to deliver the kind of above-and-beyond spa treatment they were getting at home from their mothers. And if Italian women can’t provide it, then “Fuhgeddaboudit!”

I watched a documentary where a grown-ass Italian man left his town for a job in the city. But he couldn’t find a woman to cook, clean the house, or wash and iron his clothes.

So what does he do?

He runs to mama.

He packs all his dirty clothes and sends them on a bus to this poor old woman to clean and iron. The mom dutifully waits for the bus’s arrival, gets the luggage full of dirty clothes, and sends the driver back with another suitcase full of clean, ironed, and folded clothes.

Allora, that’s weirder than pineapple in your pizza.

The weird thing about Hawaiian pizza is not the pineapple but when the odd duck pizza place puts Canadian bacon instead of ham.

Canadian bacon is such a misnomer because no bacon wants to be Canadian. All bacon wants to be American bacon, which is simply bacon. The only reason bacon is Canadian is because they tried to get their green card and couldn’t. So they went further north where only sixty million people want to weather the dark winter and man the wall against white walkers.

That bacon quickly learns that when you get Canadian citizenship, it comes with a heat lamp, a bottle of vitamin D, and a primer on frostbite — or freezer burn in the case of the “Canadian” bacon.

The vitriol Hawaiian pizza lovers have to sustain is par for the course with every single aspect of modern human life: people seem to care way too much about decisions that have nothing to do with them.

You don’t like pineapple in pizza? Then don’t put it in yours!

Simple. But, apparently, not easy

That’s something we can all learn from mammoni. They are not in this world to please society. They love how their moms treat them, and if a woman doesn’t do everything exactly like their moms do, then they are not leaving the house.

And that’s that.

Va bene!


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