Unequivocally Ambiguous

Humorous Stories on Parenting, Culture and Life

Chop His Balls Off

by | Jan 22, 2022 | Society | 0 comments

How I ruined my mom’s second wedding

When my mom got married the second time, I was responsible for walking her down the aisle and giving our family toast.

When the time came, I got up, and I told people, “the first time I met Rodger, he wanted to show off his Spanish. He said that he had picked up a few things working in construction sites in California. He looked me squared in the eye and told me, “for example, córtale Los huevos!”

I was in shock.

This is the man who wants to date my mom, and he is telling me how he instructs others in my mother tongue how to cut someone’s balls off.
I’m not going to lie. I was expecting a bigger laugh here.

All I got were chuckles of confusion and awkwardness.

My mom’s jaw dropped past the bouquet in her hands, and I knew then she did not think this story was as funny as I thought I was.

The only person that thought it was funny was my stepdad, who hurried to steal the microphone to tell everyone how the first time I met him kept asking if there were cunks where he lived — a rural part of San Diego County. He explained how it took him a while to understand through my accent that I was asking him about skunks.

Again, no laughs at this vignette, either. I was the only one who laughed at that.

It might’ve been just a tough crowd which could be the truth because most of it was my family, and I know they don’t find it funny when you mess up with traditions and rituals.

But I was happy that at least one person enjoyed what I had to say and that that person was my stepdad.

My mom has never forgiven me for ruining her wedding. Whenever the topic comes up about her wedding, and I’m present, it comes back to my speech, “why couldn’t you say something nice like what you said at your sister’s wedding?”

I never answer that because I know that speeches are tailored to the person you are writing them for, and if given another chance, I would do it all over again. 

I wouldn’t change a thing because the most memorable aspect about meeting the stranger who wanted to court my mom was that he thought it would be amusing for me to listen to all the bad words he knew in my native tongue.

And he was right.

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