Unequivocally Ambiguous

Humorous Stories on Parenting, Culture and Life

My Near-Death Experience

Taking stock of what’s important

I almost died last week.

We all have near-death experiences and I’m no different.

Last week, I looked death straight in the eyes as I dealt with a terrible common cold.

As I blew my nose, I wondered if it would be possible to sell an NFT of my handkerchief full of boogers.

You may ask yourself, “why would anyone want to buy a dirty handkerchief? Let alone a digital title?”

Well, it’s an investment in the future. I’m not famous, yet, but I will be. This is a way for you to get in at the ground level of my fame. My boogers will be worth something one day.

In Colombia, we have a saying signifying that the world is a small place, “el mundo es un pañuelo.” (The world is a handkerchief.) Somewhere along the line, a smartass added a response to the proverb, “si, está lleno de mocos!” (Yes, it is full of boogers.)

My handkerchief is a microcosm of my world and for only $15,000, you can own the deed to it. Not the full handkerchief, mind you. But the rights to brag about it.

In a few decades, when your grandkids ask you, what an NFT was, you will explain to them how in your day, there was a frenzy to buy the rights to things but not the things themselves because, you know, minimalism. Ain’t nobody got real estate for that.

I do. I have plenty of it in the attic.

I keep buying physical things even though they are extremely expensive with inflation. We will only avoid this upcoming recession if we keep filling our houses (and garages) with stuff we don’t need.

I was so afraid of my sniffles that I knew I had to test for Covid. Because as bad as the common cold is, I’ve heard Covid is much worse. So I drove to five different locations searching for the sought-after Covid test. Once I found a pharmacy that had them, I bought 1,000 of them. I’m going to keep them in my garage for the next pandemic. I’m a good investor like that.

I took the test and waited on my negative Covid test result. The anxiety with which I waited for the proper line (or lack thereof) brought me back to my college days.

I got negative results on both tests I took and was relieved, although a bit achy.

I soothed my mind while I worked through the head cold and the fogginess. I thought of Nietzsche’s, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Nietzsche later in his life added to his favorite maxim by saying, “except syphilis. That shit will make you blind.” Which it did to him.

I still had a high hill to climb to nurture myself back to health. As I blew my nose and drank my pho, I saw my life flash before my eyes.

It is moments like this, when your skin nose is raw from blowing your nose on Aloe Vera tissues, you realize what really matters in life.

Money.

Lots of it.

In order to get more of it, I’m looking for an agent to publish my memoir, “Got Common Cold? A man’s recovery journey back to health.”

And as a favor to you, I will include these principles to nurture yourself back to health from the cold.

1. Vitamin C

Here I don’t mean the vitamin C you get from your daily OJ. The one squeezed by your pool boy. 

No. 

I mean industrial amounts of vitamin C. So much so that your stomach pulses and quivers when you inhale and exhale.

How much is too much? 

Your stomach will tell you — most of the time. The rest of the time, your underwear will tell you.

2. Go to the beach

Nothing is better for your lungs than to breathe in the fresh seawater air. Saline is close to magical. 

You don’t live by a beach? 

Not a problem. 

Buy a ticket and fly to a beach. Make sure not to travel coach because that’s how germs fly. 

You can’t buy a ticket to go to the beach? 

Well, who’s fault is that? Ask yourself why are you poor? If you are not reading the news, let me tell you that being poor in this day and age is a liability. 

Who in their right mind would choose to live like that?

3. Eliminate bad thoughts.

Do not think bad thoughts. 

Ever. 

Enough said.

4. Green juice.

We all know that ‘phytonutrients’ is a made-up word marketers created to make us feel better about dropping mullah on Green juice. 

Green juice is a modern-day version of snake oil, but it is a reminder of your riches. 

Let the ‘people’ drink the contaminated and leaded water while you indulge in the riches of squeeze algae and E3 (whatever hell that may be). When not drinking green juice, only drink triple filtered water.

5. Sleep

Do not feel guilty about letting your maid take care of your kids. 

Raising kids doesn’t mean that YOU have to raise them. Take advantage of a little-known economic principle called ‘domestic arbitrage.’ Get yourself a domestic to raise your kids. Your kids will thank you for it.


There you have it; my principles to health. 

There is more to talk about, but I want to make sure to save some for my memoir. If you have the misfortune of getting a common cold, or sniffles, make sure to use these principles indiscriminately and abundantly.

Like they say in AA, “the system works if you work it.”

Toodles.

1 Comment

  1. edochie99

    You have an interesting story with good points. I think that people will love it.Your handkerchief will worth $15,000 when you become famous which will sooner than expected.Money is very important without money life will be very difficult. Having cold remedies in the house is important. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

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