Unequivocally Ambiguous

Humorous Stories on Parenting, Culture and Life

Spanking The Elderly Into Better Behavior

by | May 11, 2024 | Parenting | 0 comments

Corporal abuse as a universal and compassionate law

Photo by Daniel K Cheung on Unsplash

It is not often, but every now and then, I’ll find myself in a conversation about how corporal punishment is an effective child-rearing technique.

Now, I don’t judge. I don’t.

I have thought to myself at times when I can’t reach my kids through a tantrum, ‘You know what would feel good right about now is a good spanking of this kid, even though it won’t help anything other than make me feel like I just had a cigarette.’

It is weird that someone won’t physically abuse any kid, but if you trespass that line with your kid, then it is okay because it is your kid. You can do with that kid whatever you want to, like our comedian and resident molester Bill Cosby brilliantly stated, “I brought you in this world, and I can take you out.”

Just consider for a second that the spanking we give our kids is also inappropriate if it were to be enacted in the adult world.

“Oh, you cut in front of me in line, and you are adding waiting time between me and my caramel frappuccino. Well, please, sit here in my lap, stranger, and get your spanking. I know you don’t have much time, so I carry my own stick. I pick it up every morning from the tree outside my house before I jump in my car, and I have it ready for an occasion like this.”

We should all be walking around with sturdy branches we pick up every morning. “This is a big branch to teach the world to behave in the way I want it to behave.” Should we name the branches we pick every morning? “This one will be called ‘Great Justice.’”

“Believe me, stranger, this hurts me more than it hurts you, but I’m consoled by the fact that I’m already starting to feel the insulin spike with this incredible amount of sugar and caffeine. I hope you learned your lesson, and please, don’t do it again.”

We only hit our kids because we know for a fact that they are not mentally deranged, even though they like to act like it once they are exactly 84 seconds behind schedule on bedtime.

We only hit kids because they can’t hit back.

We beat them because we can overpower them. Because their still forming and growing bones can feel the pain we can deliver. When we increase what we bench at the gym, it can translate into harder skin-to-skin contact, and they can appreciate how we are smacking them into good behavior.

They really can see that. It is not like they are seeing the person in charge of showing them the world and making them feel welcomed and protected, losing their mind in exasperation and using physical force to give an outlet to their anger.

We only hit kids and not adults because they can’t have a license to carry, and they won’t shoot us with their guns.

We only spank kids and not adults because we know for a fact that they are not experts in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. They won’t choke us, and that’s probably one of the reasons why we won’t pay for them to get self-defense classes. We don’t want them using that against us even though they need it because they are getting bullied and not just by you.

I mean, your abuse helps because you know it is paramount to pair your physical abuse with a delicious, crisp, and palate-cleansing emotional abuse, so the kids don’t even think of talking back or fighting back.

Nothing like inspiring compliance through learned helplessness. Emotional abuse like talking about their body in negative ways while you spank them or even telling them a few ‘Yo mamma is so fat…’ jokes even though your wife has emphatically told you she doesn’t appreciate that.

I think we should all spank our kids. It is weird to have a division between spanking and non-spanking, but we should make it fair. More than fair, we should make it legal. It needs to be mandatory to spank our kids an allotted amount of time every week because uniformity is so important to society lately.

But here is the thing: we should allow those same kids to spank us back when we are elderly adults. Having laws against spanking old people shows you how messed up the world is and who is in power.

The only reason we can’t spank the elderly is that they have created the power structures of the world in which we, youngsters, now live.

But I say, let’s forget that.

“Grandma, you shat your pants again, go outside and pick your own stick.”

“Grandma, you told another anti-Semitic comment, getting in the shower and wet your legs while I go get my pleather belt.”

“Grandpa, you banged another mailbox even though you shouldn’t be driving. Bring your frail, arthritic body close to me so I can punch you in the chest.”

You know, boomers need a few lessons to learn about human decency, and what better way for them to get them through their thick skulls than by spanking the elderly? That should be our generation’s war cry, ‘Let’s spank the elderly.’

If someone gives you grief at the grocery check-out line, plainly tell them, “This is my geezer, and you won’t tell me how I am supposed to care for him. I don’t see you paying for their memory care bills.”

The beauty of this is that we can apply some valuable lessons we have learned from spanking kids, like, “Hey, it takes a village to reform a racist adult.”

Raising kids without losing your cool and acting it out through physical violence is hard, and that’s why I can’t judge when people spank their kids.

However, somewhere along the line, the spanking that many enacted didn’t work, and we still have a lot of adults to reform, and that’s why we need to start spanking a lot of old brats into good behavior again.


Leave a Reply

Recent Articles

Discover more from Unequivocally Ambiguous

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading