The Vasectomy Dialogues: An Evolutionary Defense for Promptly Coming

Scholars and women advocates like to talk about the effects of the media on women, but nobody talks about the unrealistic expectations the media creates for men.

TV shows and films pressure the average man by portraying all men as sex machines that last a very long time before coming. All men in media are this prototypical guy who struggles with coming (or is it cumming) promptly. You see them say, “We’ll see how you feel in four hours when you are done having exactly ninety-seven orgasms.”

Really? It is probably more like, “You will feel unsatisfied in five minutes when I’m done, but really, I’ve had this situation for 73 seconds before we started this conversation. You have less than four minutes, but I’m doing this with or without you.”

These TV men will also say, “What we are doing won’t need sleep.”

Bullshit! It’s more like, “I’ll pretend to listen thirty seconds after I’m done, and once you start talking about Karen at work, I’ll be long gone with a grin on my stupid face because I just had sex for a minute and a half.”

Films and media portray toxic views of how a man should last a very long time before they come. Nobody seems to be talking about how important it has been for evolution to come quickly.

Coming quickly is an evolutionary reflex. It has allowed for the preservation of favored races. Darwin agrees with me. I think.

The genetic line of men that lasted a long time went extinct because they needed to finish and because they needed to finish, they were always easy prey for the vicious and voracious predators of the cruel prehistoric world.

If a man lasted a long time in prehistoric society, it was very likely that he wouldn’t be able to last long enough to pass his sperm and create offspring. Because the more you were outside, the more likely you were to be eaten by a saber-toothed tiger or a T-rex. It’s just science.

Cavewomen talked about life while collecting berries, “Oohh ooh ahh ooh ahh.”
“Aahh ahh eehh ihh ohh?”

Okay, fine. I’ll translate.

“How was having sex with him?”
“It lasted a long time.”
“How long before he came?”
“Well, he never came.”
“What do you mean?”
“We were going for forty-five minutes, as they talk about in the oral folklore, and out of the trees came a gorilla and smacked him in the head.”
“Did he not see the gorilla?”
“He did, but he said he was almost done. The gorilla let me go because he couldn’t believe it was so easy to get this man. I believed he winked at me.”

I prefer my ancestry because it got me here. I come from a long line of men who know the value of genetic efficiency and speedy and prompt ejaculation.

No tiger got us.

I’m just saying if sex was a race, the men in my family always came first.

Men in my lineage are the original creators of Vini Vidi Vini — I came, I saw, I came.

I imagine elderly wise men in these prehistoric tribes passing on the knowledge to the younger men in their group, “You want to go for two-three pops, four max, to ensure the safety and the success of your offspring.”

There is always a knucklehead challenging the tribal wisdom, “Old man, you are wrong. You have to ensure that everyone’s needs are met. Also, how arrogant you are to think that you can outpace a T-Rex.”

The old man would respond, “I don’t need to outpace the T-Rex. I need to outpace the woman I’m having sex with.”

Nature is brutal and cruel, and we often seem to forget that. I see people complaining that the current conditions of the world are the worst they have ever been. I think that is laughable. It is not that I don’t think the current conditions are horrible, but I also believe that the history of humankind is the recollection of all the dreadful things that have happened to us.

We even prioritize the history of humanity over the history of our family.

For example, I don’t know where my grandparents were in 1938. I know that my grandfather held the genetic material that would later become my parents somewhere in the world. But that’s it.

However, if we think of 1938 in terms of world events, the one thing that always comes to mind is Hitler’s mustache.

In 1938, specifically, Hitler looked at what he had done up to that date and thought, “You know, maybe it’s time to start taking this anti-Semitism thing a little bit further.” He had already been a failed artist; he didn’t want to be a failed asshole.

So he organized a violent pogrom in Nazi Germany that destroyed thousands of houses, businesses, and synagogues. He arrested that night 30,000 men who were sent to concentration camps.

That night would later be known in history as “The Night of Broken Glass” or “Kristallnacht.” Some historians consider this the beginning of the Holocaust.

1938 is also the year that Nestle Tollhouse gave us the chocolate chip cookie.

It was also the year the first edition of Superman was released. A man who made us believe in our strength and that we could trick people into thinking we are different people by putting glasses on.

But that’s the thing.

More often than not, history will focus on society’s most brutal events at that time. We should ALWAYS fight those evils, but as we fight them, we should never forget that chocolate chip cookies are being born every year.

That’s why it is crucial to come quickly so you can go to bed, enjoy a restorative night’s sleep, wake up rested to face the next day, fight evils, and enjoy chocolate chip cookies.