A new “We Have a Real Problem!” Column is Out

“She had a yeast infection, but for several weeks, she thought, ‘low key,’ that she had the clap,” the girl sitting across from us at the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport told her friends in an oh-not-so-whispery voice.

If you are unfamiliar with such lingo, all you have to know is that clap is not a magical disease that makes you involuntarily clap at different times of the day. Nope. The “clap” is code for gonorrhea, and no one claps for it — not after getting it, not when itching, and not when confiding in someone that they have it, not knowing this person will use it later, at an airport, as a persuasion device to convey the importance of a yearly physical.

Don’t think for a second I am trying to make you jealous about the glamour of airports and travel. Not all conversations one overhears are this glamorous. As a matter of fact, the one conversation I hear the most at airports — and the real reason I believe people travel — is actually a rather inane exchange.

But first, let me share what I think are the top three reasons people go to airports.