Unequivocally Ambiguous

Humorous Stories on Parenting, Culture and Life

Toilet Seat Politics

by | Feb 7, 2022 | Society | 0 comments

My wife gets upset when I miss the toilet.

She doesn’t understand is not like I have a sniper rifle.

If anything my stream comes out more like a water hose nozzle sprayer. Sometimes the stream is strong and I can use the jet setting. But most of the time, the setting is on shower, or more likely, on soaker.

The solution: men should pee sitting down.

Fight that initial reaction that makes you say peeing sitting down is for women. Said who? It’s not like toilets were invited by a god and such god gave men a pamphlet on how to use their tools and women a different one

One time, my wife found me peeing down. I quickly shouted, “it’s not what you think! Let me explain!”

She said, “it looks like you are peeing sitting down.”

“No, yeah, that’s what it is.” I had no wait out. She caught me.

But I like to pee sitting down. It’s so liberating. Why should women be the only ones enjoying a moment of respite from the world by scrolling through their different social media feeds and staying on the toilet seat for a few more seconds when they are done peeing?

It’s so arbitrary who gets to pee sitting down.

I told my wife why doesn’t she pee standing up?

She said, “it would get everywhere.”

Umm, hello!?! So does our pee!!

That’s probably why women live longer. They get a break from the world every time they pee. While men have to engage their lower back muscles and worry about aiming, not splattering, and putting the seat down. And never ever satisfying women regarding that last requirement.

So let’s say we lost the who gets to sit down debate. What about putting the toilet seat down debate?

This debate is at the center of the hypocrisy of all of our made up gender policies.

Let’s face it, men always need coaching in that regard. Even when we are doing well, we are never told what a good job we are doing of putting the seat down.

Nobody tells us, “good job, buddy!” The dog gets a treat for not pooping in the middle of the living room, but nobody cares about men putting the seat down.

Uh-uh, we are only told about the toilet seat when we are leaving it up.

So, without any consistent behavioral reinforcement, we always slid back to our old habits of leaving the seat up.

This debate should be at the forefront of everyone’s fight for equality. Yes, we should stop paying women 82 cents on the dollar for the same job and, in exchange, whoever gets to the toilet seat first, gets to the toilet seat first.

Many relationships end over this and they shouldn’t. About 80% of them. That’s right. 80% of them. That’s real data I made up.

A friend of mine told me how he had a rule for his wife, that he pays for the mortgage so in his house, the toilet seat should always be up. That was impressive.

My wife would wait for me for hours to come back home to teach me a good lesson about putting the seat down — even if it means putting her own urinary health at risk, by not peeing because it would mean putting the toilet seat down herself. He is divorced.

I would never even think of challenging that rule. I obey in the same way I obey a red light. I’m not divorced.

Putting the toilet seat down must is the secret to marital satisfaction.

But who created the rules about who gets to put the seat down?

If you ask me, this is about control. All the blood-thirsty warriors of Westeros fought for control of the iron throne. But that’s only because they didn’t have the porcelain throne.

The porcelain throne, and the control of who gets to say how it is used, are the true test of power at a house… and society at large if you think about it.

Women don’t get upset if the seat cover is down; only if the toilet seat is up which is irrational since it takes as much effort to put the seat down as it takes to put the cover up. This proves that this is a control issue that spans way beyond the doors of the bathroom.

So, women are the true holders of power and Men have literally lost all the bathroom fights and rights because women are the true holders of the power. It is just a matter of time before they will be paid fifteen cents on the dollar more for the same job men do. It just feels a bit unfair that women will get more money, get to pee sitting down and we are still responsible for the toile seat’s position.


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